Making the Inside Match the Outside

Isn’t it fun to be excited? Isn’t it fun to have something to look forward to? But what happens when all that time spent in anticipation and excitement ends up becoming a huge disappointment? What happens when we can do absolutely nothing to change our circumstances or the outcome?This is exactly what happened to one of my daughters.

This particular daughter has a lot of drive, a lot of ambition, and a lot of passion. She thrives on competition, yet doesn’t enjoy playing sports which means we’ve had to find other outlets for this aspect of her personality. Since she has a great memory, academic outlets for her competitive spirit tend to be a better fit.

Last year, my daughter participated in a memory competition. She worked hard—hard enough that even our youngest STILL remembers large chunks of the required passages—and it paid off! She tied for first overall. We were so excited for her, and she was exhilarated. At the end of the season, the competitors were told the general topic for next year’s competition.

Quite possibly still running on the adrenaline rush from winning, my daughter began to dive in—immediately. She knew she didn’t have specifics, but she wanted to start getting her brain prepped and at least something entered into her memory files so she could be sure to stay on top.

I remember seeing her face after her first practice ended. She didn’t look happy. Or excited. Or eager. That’s strange, I thought. As soon as I had an opportunity to speak with her alone, I found out why.

“We have one too many people on our team,” she said, “which means we will have to take turns who sits out for each match.” My daughter doesn’t cry easily, but I thought I saw tears of frustration and disappointment threatening to form in her eyes. Oh, boy.

See, in this league’s competition, they receive a team score and an individual score. My daughter had tied for first overall in the individual score category. It was a huge feat that required a lot of work—and NO absences. The individual score is based upon EVERY match the league has NOT every match the person participates in. In a given evening, her team competes in three matches. Therefore, if the team rotated players for each match, my daughter would have no chance to be on top this year. It didn’t matter how hard she worked. It didn’t matter if she had a perfect score on all the matches she participated in. No matter what, she would be unable to even compete to be on top. It was a blow of gargantuan proportions for her.

As her mother, I felt it too. The year of anticipation, excitement and prep; the disappointment that felt like a bomb. I thought of the pennies we scraped together for her to be able to participate. The internal wrestling of knowing the rotation was the right thing to do. After all, each participant signed up, paid the fees, and was there to compete, just like her. Why should she have special treatment? She shouldn’t. Fair is fair. Even if we feel the impact of it all the way down to our guts.

As I watched my daughter grapple with the strong emotions, the struggle was real! For both of us. There was nothing more that I wanted to do than fix the situation for her, to make it possible for her to win overall and still be fair to everyone else. But I couldn’t. No one could. There was no workable solution. And so the wrestling match inside continued. The next morning, as she was getting ready, she said something that still makes me cry when I think about it. “Mom, it’s okay. I think God wants to help me get rid of the selfishness in my heart. But is it okay that I don’t feel that way right now?”

I. Was. So. EXCITED! YES! It was a proud mama moment of gargantuan proportions. My daughter had wrestled through those big, strong emotions. She worked and prayed through the disappointment, the frustration, the sadness, and maybe even some pride. She came to the realization that sometimes it isn’t the situation that needs to change—it’s our hearts.

“Honey, of course! See, when we’re really little, our parents help us maintain an outside that is composed, but inside sometimes we’re anything but. Sometimes we’re really angry. Sometimes we’re really sad. It’s a hard thing to do. But as we get older, the even harder step is to get the inside to match the outside. And really, it’s only through God’s power and God’s grace that we are able to do that, especially in situations in life that create those really big yicky feelings inside of us. He can help us get the inside to match the outside.”

It was a teachable moment. Whether or not the situation was changeable no longer mattered, but thankfully, something deeper and more important was changed—in her heart (and mine!). Through seeking the Lord, He guided her into areas in her heart that He wanted to do a work of uprooting and polishing. What a valuable lesson! A lesson far more valuable than earning a victory. Dealing with these heart issues may not as fun as winning a competition and receiving a prize on stage, but the prize He gives isn’t something that can be buried in time or memories or lost somewhere under a mountain of who-knows-what, and the payoffs of learning to yield our vision and our desires to God’s process in our lives are limited only by eternity.

I want to invite you to pray with me:

Lord, open our eyes to see Your workings in our hearts. We choose to surrender and submit to Your vision and hand in our lives. We choose Your way, not our way. We choose to allow You to mold and polish us into who You want us to be. We lay down our disappointments, our frustrations, our anger, and our sadness in exchange for trust in Your plans. Thank You for Your love and grace in our lives and that You are faithful to finish the work You’ve started in us. Amen.

P.S. As it turned out, the coaches decided to allow her to participate in each match anyway so she could have a chance to win in the individual competition. But as Mom, I’m still SO GRATEFUL for the opportunity the initial decision provided to do some “heartwork” in our house.