Don’t Confront, CAREfront!

Don’t Confront, CAREfront

Carefront. Never heard of it? Neither had I, until I listened to Larry Kreider’s leadership podcast where he and his wife, LaVerne, talked about passing the leadership test of conflict. (You can listen to the episode yourself here.)

Carefront is a term LaVerne used, and I believe coined, to describe how to approach tense situations with others. With care. Not just careful but with care for the other person. SO TRUE! And hard!

Conflict resolution isn’t something I exactly I look forward to. I know I’m not alone. But part of the big takeaway development challenge that God walked me through was how to see conflict as an opportunity, not an obstacle. Can I just say…this takes a lot of dying to self! Why? Because it’s SO EASY to get ourselves entrenched in our own perspectives and stuck in our emotional reactions. But that isn’t how we turn obstacles into opportunities in our lives.

What if we…

approached tense situations as an opportunity to recognize potential blind spots in our lives

used these uncomfortable circumstances as an opportunity to refine our character

saw difficult interpersonal scenarios as a golden opportunity to allow the God-kind of love and grace to SHINE through us by the way we posture ourselves, use our words, and through our intentional actions

springboarded off differing perspectives, using these as opportunities for greater measures of understanding and collaborative creativity.

What if we did all these rather than spinning around in perpetual cycles of hurt and unyielding personal viewpoints? How much better would these challenging situations be? Sure, there might still be tension and some hurt, but if we approach these situations with the intent and motivation to care—to care for our own character, to care for the wellbeing of the other person(s), to care for the health of any systems involved (like family, church, or workplace)—how could these inevitable scenarios play out differently? End differently? If we carefront rather than confront, could these actually be a positive rather than a negative?

I believe so, yes. But I think there are some things we need to do first so we can be prepared to carefront successfully:

1.     We need to FIRST sift our hearts before the Lord BEFORE we begin to think about having a conversation with someone else. In my experience, if the hurt is deep and repeated, this may take time. DO NOT RUSH THIS STEP.

2.     We may need to put our emotional reactions aside for a time to look at the situation objectively. To me, this often feels like I’m dying to self. It can take a lot of deep digging.

3.     Hold the other person in a place of honor in your heart. Refer to #2 if this feels challenging (as it can be!).

4.     Pray blessings over the other person regularly.

5.     Plan a mutually workable time in a distraction-free space to have your talk.

6.     Begin and end with prayer. Seek to understand NOT to be understood. Plan lines that release grace and blessing over the other person, don’t assume these will just pop in your head during the conversation. Don’t rush the conversation, maintain a posture of prayer and grace in your heart, and don’t plan anything afterward, you may be spent.

It’s a challenge, for sure, but when considering the incalculable value of peace, unity, and growth both intra- and interpersonally, isn’t it worth it? Isn’t it worth putting aside my own emotions and understandings to reach across a divide through the power of Christ?

Isn’t that how others will see the love and grace of Christ? It’s easy to behave graciously and kindly when it’s easy. But what about when it’s hard? What about when tensions run high and the pressure is on? Does my life still ooze Jesus? I wish I could say definitively YES, but, unfortunately, my human frailties sometimes win out. BUT, I know God is faithful to complete the work He has begun in each one of us, including me, so next time is a new opportunity to become more like Christ and less like my version of right (Phil. 1:6). Blessings!