Do I Treat My Relationships like a Drive-thru Or a Tollbooth?

Ever been around that person that always seems to have an ulterior motive? They do something nice for someone, only to realize they expect…or demand…something in return? Every. Single. Time. Every time it appears they’re doing something kind, the reality is, they’re really making a deposit for some type of future personal gain for themselves. Makes a person feel like a drive-thru. Okay, that sounds a little…well…weird. Stick with me.

We all know how a drive-thru works, right? We drive up, place our order, pay, and receive what we requested. Now, let’s imagine our money represents kind acts that we invest into our relationships. The relationship is represented by the restaurant. What would happen if a person constantly drove up, paid their money, and received what they expected in return over and over and over again?

For one, inventory would suffer eventually. If the process was rapid-fire and prolonged, the emotional drain would be real too. The same thing happens in our relationships if we only do acts of kindness with the expectation…or demand…of a return. The mental, emotional, and possibly material, depending on the circumstance, resources suffer. But what about the driver? Surely the driver is exempt since he or she is taking, taking, taking without ever really giving back.

Using our analogy, the driver suffers too. Sure, the driver temporarily gets a return on his or her “investment” but eventually, if all the driver does is circle around the same drive-thru, the driver is going to run out of resources and has had zero growth. The driver has gone absolutely nowhere new, has not explored, and hasn’t done anything except drive around and around in circles. And what happens when the restaurant refuses to serve yet another demand or closes altogether? That’s a tenuous position for the driver. I suppose he or she would have to find a new, accommodating drive-thru, if possible.  

But what if instead, our driver made kindness deposits with zero expectation of return? It’s perhaps an imperfect analogy, but I’d like to think of this scenario as a tollbooth. The driver makes his or her kindness deposits, the gate opens, and he or she gets to move forward. New explorations, new experiences, and new levels of relationship open up. And as the driver keeps travelling down the relationship road, every time he or she makes a deposit of true kindness, a new gate opens up. There’s no stagnation and endless circles and endless demands, instead, both parties benefit.

Why? Because kindness, true kindness, that does and gives to others with no expectations or demands promotes relationships. Science has shown that kindness releases oxytocin, a hormone that promotes bonding and connection in relationships, and not just for the doer. And not only does it help one individual connect with another, kindness produces more kindness! Which means the power of true kindness can be ongoing and far-reaching. And the beautiful thing about the power of kindness is that it doesn’t lose strength or potency, it just keeps growing. No wonder God tells us to be kind.

But what are some ways we can cultivate kindness in our lives? Well, it doesn’t have to be time-consuming or complicated. For example, we can hold the door open for someone or help them carry their bags or packages. We can give someone a ride or send a thoughtful text or card, just because. We can listen or play cards and games with someone who could use a friend. We can take a friend’s kids for a couple of hours, drop off a meal, have someone over for a meal, or pick up the tab at the local coffee shop. The ways of showing kindness are endless!

We can choose one person a day and do one kind act and choose another person and the same (or different) simple, kind act. If we make the effort to do something, anything, kind for someone every day, it all begins to add up. It adds up to deeper and healthier relationships, more positive mindsets and attitudes (especially for the doer!), and hopefully more and more kind people because kindness happens to be quite contagious. The takeaway challenge: let’s approach our relationships like the toll road and invest kindness in our relationships with no expectations or demands in return. No more drive-thru circles of burnout, let’s grow and move forward together…in kindness.

Hamilton, D. The Five Side Effects of Kindness, Hay House, 2017.