“I can’t BELIEVE you! How could you do this to me?” Emily stormed off, angry tears streamed down her cheeks. She vowed she would never trust her best, or ex, best friend ever again. She slammed the front door, stomped down the hall, and threw herself onto her bed. Never again. We’re done, forever.
Years went by, and true to her vow, Emily never spoke to Tiffany again. At first, Tiffany tried to make peace. She even begged and sent little gifts, small offerings that represented great hope that the two could be reunited as besties. I’m going to make her suffer,Emily thought as she trashed each and every gift.
Eventually, Tiffany made new friends. She moved on and stopped trying to reconcile with Emily, it wasn’t doing any good anyway. Sure, Tiffany grieved the loss of their friendship, but eventually, she realized that her new friends loved her no matter what. Sure, she’d make a mistake here and there, she’s only human after all, but her new friends didn’t hold it against her like Emily always did. It wasn’t long before Tiffany found herself smiling, laughing, and enjoying success in life. Eventually Emily, a friend from her childhood, so many years ago, was a distant memory.
Emily, however, never moved on. Sure, she tried to make new friends, but every time they made a mistake, Emily would become enraged, unleash her fury, and never speak to them again. As the years went by, Emily became angry and very lonely. She never forgot Tiffany, what she did, and how she ruined her life when they were just 10 years old.
One day, the two, now women, ran into each other. Emily felt a vice grip on her heart; she stiffened and set her jaw. Tiffany looked in her direction, her eyes widened, and so did her smile. “Emily?! Is that you? Wow! It’s been so long…a lifetime. How are you doing?”
Emily’s jaw clenched. She turned and walked away, in silence. Tiffany watched her leave, compassion filling her heart. Clearly, Emily had never moved forward. All these years have gone by, and Emily was still trapped by her inability to move past her anger. Instead of moving on and enjoying life and companionship, she was alone and miserable.
How often do we see this scenario in life? Sure, there are varying degrees, and I fabricated an extreme situation, but the underlying truths are there. When we choose to NOT forgive, we remain trapped and unable to move past the hurtful or angering situation. Unforgiveness binds us in chains, heavy, cold, and hard. Unrelenting, they wind around our minds and hearts, poisoning us ever so slowly. Clanging, they whisper, and sometimes shout, into our ears reminders what who did what injustice. Before we know it, we’re imprisoned within walls of resentment, bitterness, and anger.
But why would anyone choose this life, a life of emotional bondage? Simple. We believe we need it. We believe we’re gaining something by holding a grudge against another person. We believe we’re punishing them, making them miserable, and therefore, we have the upper hand. Our punishment of unforgiveness wields a power that will make them grovel at our feet.
Sadly, this simply isn’t the case. While, yes, being the recipient of a grudge is difficult, at least for a time, ultimately, if the recipient does not also indulge in unforgiveness, he/she is able to move forward and have a fulfilling life full of positive emotions and experiences. This person may be completely oblivious that the grudge-holder continues to live in misery from unforgiveness.
So, if the recipient is able to move forward with happiness and success, but the grudge-holder cannot, who is really in emotional time-out? The grudge-holder. What’s worse is that by allowing a situation or incident to fester, they are ultimately TRADING their happiness FOR resentment and anger. This gives the situation, not the person, power. And the really awful kicker is that the more negative emotions you have BEFORE an offending incident, the more likely you are to hold a grudge. So, in a sense, unforgiveness breeds more unforgiveness.
Studies on unforgiveness show that remaining in this state, and in a state of anger, is associated with higher blood pressure, greater stress levels, and possibly also a greater degree of chronic pain. Also, the link between cardiac health and forgiveness is strong enough that some recommend those at risk for high blood pressure and coronary disease actually submit to forgiveness interventions.
With all that in mind, who is really being punished? Who is the real victim? For sure, the person holding the grudge. It is important that we truly forgive, and not just with our mouths because we know it’s the right thing to do, but from our hearts. Over and over again, God commands that we forgive, just like He did. He forgave completely, freely, even sacrificially and because of His forgiveness, we are free from the power of sin. But to experience the freedom He paid for, we in turn MUST forgive.
Wait a second. But doesn’t that give permission for injustice? Doesn’t that mean that what happened was OK? Not at all. But what if that person passes away? Or never apologizes or acknowledges their part? Are we to be relegated to a life of bondage, held captive by that offense? While we may never have a relationship again (if we ever had one to begin with), forgiveness is still possible—and if you are a Christian, expected.
It’s not about who’s right or wrong. Forgiveness isn’t about giving implied permission for wrongdoing or injustice. It’s not even really about the other person or the situation at all! I’ve come to the conclusion that forgiveness has NOTHING to do with the other person or incident. Not in the least. Forgiveness is 100% about what kind of person you want to be and what environment you want in your heart. It’s about setting your own heart and mind free! If you want freedom then you need to forgive.
Don’t let someone or something have power over you! Take that power back and let go of offense. Whenever I find something difficult to forgive—because, let’s face it, life happens—I take a moment and think, Is this offense worth MY happiness? My peace? My joy? My connection with God’s heart? Inevitably, the answer is, “NO!” Then I take that offense—that anger, that hurt—and I choose to lay it down at my Father’s feet. Honestly, there have been times where I had to do this repeatedly for the same offending incident. I call those instances “forgiving in layers”. But layer after painful, angering layer, I lay it all down at His feet. When I am free from anger, I find that I am more able to allow God to heal my hurting heart, and that is when I find true freedom and wholeness. I pray you will too.
- Worthington, E, Witvliet, C,, & Pietrini, P. “Forgiveness, Health, and Well-Being. A Review of Evidence for Emotional Versus Decisional Forgiveness, Dispositional Forgiveness, and Reduced Unforgiveness.” Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 2007, vol. 30, no. 4, pp. 291-302