In my book, I made a proclamation. It was true at the time, but looking back, I realize it was something I never should have owned for myself. People-pleasing.  

In Gentleness: It’s Not What You Think I called myself a pathological people-pleaser. Now, years later, look back on those words and think, Why did I ever declare that over myself? Didn’t I know how much better it is to be free? Well, the truth is, I DID know, on some level, that living as a people-pleaser was NOT God’s best—or His desire, at all—and was a form of bondage. What I didn’t know was that living as a people-pleaser could prevent me from expressing God’s love in the form of honor. 

See…on the surface, they may look alike. When I honor someone, I may choose to do something tangible that draws a smile on another person’s face. Maybe I do an act of kindness or share words of encouragement. But at the root of honor is love, and love, by definition, is NOT people-pleasing. 

People-pleasing, at its core, is self-serving. WHAT?!! I know, I know, sounds contradictory, right? Hang with me… 

If I am living to please people, I am ACTUALLY living to make my experience in life more comfortable. I am living for compliments, attention, and boomerang acts of kindness. At the root of people-pleasing is fear, which is incompatible with genuine love (see 1 John 4:18).  

When I lived in the clutches of a people-pleasing mentality, I lived in fear. I was always afraid to do or say something that would mildly upset someone else. I found it difficult to find my voice to speak up, in literally every situation, and making decisions was…well…a long and ugly process where I usually defaulted to almost anyone else with an opinion.  

Is this freedom? Is this how we show God’s love to others? No way! Many people along the way said, “Debbie, you can live to please people, or you can live to please God. You can’t have both.” It took me forever to truly get it so I could live it. Did I understand it on a surface level right away? Absolutely. Did it still take YEARS to be able to live in that understanding? You betcha. 

But praise God! He is so faithful and able! He took me on a path to freedom from people pleasing AND on a journey of learning to live in honor. Which, by the way, is MUCH harder.  

It’s harder because it’s selfless. It’s harder because it requires me letting go of my perceived “rights” in order to build up someone else. It’s harder because it requires a guard over my mouth (and heart!) at all times because honor goes far beyond behavioral choices; it goes all the way down to the deepest parts of my heart.  

Am I a doormat? Absolutely not. Sometimes honor requires saying hard truths and drawing hard lines SO THAT there can be greater measures of wholeness and freedom on the other side. Why? Because honor grows out of and is driven by love. Not love for myself, but God’s love through me for the other person. And actually, I’ve come to the conclusion that in and of myself, it’s impossible to achieve this level of honor. And that’s why, I thank God for His grace that empowers me and you and everyone else to live the Jesus way of life.