Love Self-control

          Self-control. There aren’t many words like that that inspire a unique mix of dread and desire within me. Somehow, I always have this feeling of imprisonment when I think about having self-control, as if I’m losing some aspects of freedom. Proverbs 25:28 says that a person without self-control “is like a city that is broken down, and without walls” (KJV). Hmmm…walls…maybe I’m not too far off after all.

          The thing about self-control is that we do have to give things up, but, according to Scripture, this is exactly what we need. For example, if I choose to eat fruit every day instead of cookies or a homemade fruit and yogurt smoothie instead of a sugar-laden flavored iced coffee or latte, this will require me to use self-control. Yet in the long run, I benefit because those sugar and flour-based treats, when allowed to be a lifestyle, take their toll on my body…and not just in ways that are visible. So, when it comes to something as simple as diet, we see the protective benefits of self-control. Now what about things that aren’t quite as simple or obvious…like relationships?

          Turns out self-control benefits our relationships too. Studies have found that people with higher levels of self-control tend to display behavior that benefits their relationships, even “in the moment”. This is key because how often does life happen? How often do we find ourselves stressed out? It just happens. Yet, for those who have higher levels of self-control, they are more likely to behave in ways that benefit others in their lives, even if those others sometimes make mistakes. Like I said, it just happens. But this is CRUCIAL! If one person has enough self-control to behave selflessly and show kindness, graciousness, and value to the other even in “those moments”, BOTH wind up benefitting.

          We were made for relationships. It was God who said that people needed other people (Genesis 2). Therefore, when we behave in a way that nurtures our relationships, we create deeper and more satisfying relationships which winds up benefitting both parties. And this winds up fostering trust—another critical, crucial factor for healthy, satisfying, long-term relationships. You know, the kind of relationships that help us be more than we could have ever imagined or dreamed of on our own.

          No wonder God says we need self-control. He designed us for relationships, with Him and with others, and in order to have the type of relationships we need, we need self-control. Otherwise, we run the risk of alienating those around us with whatever ugly decides to get squeezed out of us “in the moment”. We protect our relationships when we exercise self-control. When we protect our relationships, we also protect ourselves. How?

          If we alienate everyone around us, how in the world will we have the support system we need to endure life’s trials? How in the world will we have the support system we need to take on new challenges…and succeed? Sure, we can do some of these things on our own and with some measure of success, but I promise you, all these things would be so much greater when surrounded by the right team. Therefore, by protecting the solidarity of our team, we are ultimately protecting ourselves.

          Those self-control city walls aren’t meant to be prisons that hold us hostage from life’s pleasures. They’re meant to keep the ugly right where the ugly is supposed to be—out of our cities. Those walls keep the ugly from breaking IN, to keep us and our cities (life/teams) strong, successful, and to set us up for expansion and growth.

          And how can I get self-control? By abiding in Christ and by making moment by moment positive choices, choices that over time establish routines and a lifestyle that will benefit my relationships…and my health. Thank You, Lord, for Your empowering grace and enabling us to grow in self-control so we can experience and enjoy all amazing opportunities and plans You have for us. Amen.

Finkel, E. & Campbell, W.K. “Self-Control and Accommodation in Close Relationships: An Interdependence Analysis.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. vol. 81, no. 2, 2001, pp. 263-277. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.81.2.263

Righetti, F. & Finkenauer, C. “If You Are Able to Control Yourself, I Will Trust You: The Role of Perceived Self-Control in Interpersonal Trust.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. vol. 100, no. 5, 2011, pp. 874-886. doi: 10.1037/a0021827