Imagine you’re at a carnival, and a little boy goes up to play a game. He throws a ball into the air, it arcs, and BAM! Into the cup! The man behind the counter of the tent hands him some candy. YES! He throws another ball into the air. It soars and…WHOOSH! Into another cup! More candy. AMAZING! Suddenly, out of the corner of your eye, you notice something move. Hmmm…it stopped. Maybe it was just your imagination. The boy picks up a third ball, tosses it and…THUD! This kid is AWESOME! Look at all that candy! Wait a second! There’s that movement again, by his feet.
OH, NO! There’s a thick vine wrapping itself around his feet. Where is it coming from? You move closer to the tent and find it’s coming from inside the tent. What’s more, it’s connected to the cups! Each time a ball lands into a cup, it releases more of this vine that wraps itself around whoever is playing the game. The boy winds up his arm to throw another ball, before you can yell, “STOP!” There it goes. Your heart sinks as the ball lands securely into the cup.
“YEEEAAAHHH!” yells the boy. He waves his arms in delirious excitement as the man gives him a pile of candy. He is so busy celebrating his reward that he is completely oblivious to the fact that the vine has spread up his legs and now has him firmly in its grasp.
My friends, this is exactly what happens when we vent about things that make us angry or upset. I used to think venting to my friends and family about things that angered me was innocent. Yeah, who am I kidding? I thought it was necessary for my mental and emotional health. After all, if I vent to trusted confidantes about irritants in my life, I’ve processed it and can more easily move on. Besides, I felt better when I vented. Unfortunately, I had confused true processing—identifying my emotions, the cause of those emotions, and creating solutions/resolution—with venting (going on and on and on about the incident that upset me and how frustrated or angry I was).
Unfortunately, venting does not bring about positive emotions, mindsets, or resolutions. Studies show that when we vent, we trigger the reward center in our brains. Just like that little boy got a reward for throwing those balls into the cups, our brains give us a reward when we vent, which makes us feel good. Unfortunately, that is the ONLY positive that comes from venting. Literally. Studies also show that when we vent, we STAY miserable LONGER than if we did NOT vent. So while venting gives us a neurochemical reward to make us feel good instantly and for a moment, in actuality, we STAY UNHAPPY LONGER. It’s a trap.
Just like the vine entangled the boy as he successfully played the game, venting ensnares us in our own frustration and anger when we indulge in it. Why? Because venting keeps us focused on what it was that made us angry. I believe this is why God told us to not let the sun go down on our anger in Ephesians 4:26, and why He told us to think about things that are pure, honorable, and praiseworthy instead in Philippians 4:8.
He doesn’t want us to focus on our frustrations but rather on things that reflect His heart and attributes. Whatever we focus our minds on is what we ultimately become. We can focus on our frustrations and become more miserable and angry, or we can choose to focus on God and His attributes and become more like Him. One is a trap; the other is freedom.
Obviously, frustrations come. It’s simply part of life. People and situations are going to irritate us, maybe even enrage us. So, what do we do? There are positive ways to manage, and I simply do not have the time to go into all of them, but I’ll mention three here that I have found particularly helpful.
- Find something…anything…to be thankful for. Gratitude and anger are incompatible. Plus, you are choosing to focus your mind on something positive, removing the focus from the negative, which helps to diffuse the vent/anger cycle.
- Pray for those who upset you. And when I say this, I don’t mean, “God, make them do XXX.” I mean, pray that God would bless them. Maybe even choose some specific blessings to pray over them. While difficult, this is something Jesus tells us to do in Matthew 5 and is a biblical principle supported by research.
- Instead of venting, find a solution and act on it. I know in the past I’ve found myself stuck in what felt like perpetual venting cycles over various situations. I did nothing but go around in circles in misery and became more frustrated and, in some cases, downright angry. Spouting off about how upset you are over a situation does not fix it! But coming up with a real solution and then acting on it does.
So the next time you find yourself venting (and I’m writing to myself here too!), remember that venting isn’t as innocent as it appears to be, it doesn’t fulfill any real needs in your life, nor does it resolve situations. It’s nothing but a trick to keep you ensnared in its ever-growing and spreading tendrils. Let’s break free of the vent trap and live in the peace and freedom of God!
- Bremmer, R., Koole, S., and Bushman, B. “’Pray for Those Who Mistreat You’: Effects
of Prayer on Anger and Aggression.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,
2011, vol. 37, no. 6, pp. 830-837 - Bushman, B. “Does Venting Anger Feed or Extinguish the Flame? Catharsis,
Rumination, Distraction, Anger, and Aggressive Responding.” Personality and
Social Psychology Bulletin, 2002, vol. 28, no. 6, pp. 724-731 - Bushman, B., Baumeister, R., and Phillips, C. “Do People Aggress to Improve Their
Mood? Catharsis Beliefs, Affect Regulation Opportunity, and Aggressive
Responding.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2001, vol. 81, no. 1
pp. 17-32 doi: 10.1037//0022-3514.81.1.17 - Chester, D., and DeWall, N. “The Pleasure of Revenge: Retaliatory Aggression Arises
From a Neural Imbalance Toward Reward.” Social Cognitive and Affective
Neuroscience, 2015,vol. 11, no. 7, pp. 1173-1182 doi:10.1093/scan/nsv082 - DeWall, N., et al. “A Grateful Heart is a Nonviolent Heart: Cross-Sectional, Experience
Sampling, Longitudinal, and Experimental Evidence.” Social Psychological and
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